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Can't.. is a huge and damaging flaw in adult logic not kids brains |
In reality, when you see a kid staring at a book, all you really know is that “he is not reading.” There can be many reasons why “he is not…,” only one of which is “He can’t…” Further, “can’t” does not necessarily mean that he has some underlying neurological or intellectual defect, as is usually implied by “he can’t…”
There is a huge flaw in the “can’t” logic that we need to dissect to understand what is really going on.
As parents seek help for their child’s problems, they are often told by teachers, psychologists, and counselors that their child can’t sit still, he can’t focus, he can’t read, he can’t control his behavior, he can’t get along with other children, he can’t…
Parents who come to see me often have learned to describe their children’s problems using phrases such as: “She can’t seem to concentrate enough to do any homework at home.” “He can’t seem to get past a barrier when it comes to writing fluency.” “She can’t make friends.” “He can’t read a book.”
Listening to those descriptions, you would think these examples describe kids who are totally incapable of functioning. The language we use to describe our world has a very powerful influence on how we perceive it.
More than we like to admit, we see our world through the words we use to describe it. In fact, once we have used words to describe our world, we tend to rely on the world our words describe, rather than our senses. This is technically called verbal overshadowing. This is not semantic nit picking: it is a critical issue because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“He can’t…”: the flaw in the logic
I have had teachers tell me things such as: “I have explained to him over and over that he must keep his hands to himself when he stands in line. No matter what I say, he keeps putting his hands all over everybody. He does not have any sense of other people space. He just can’t stand there and not bother others.”
The logic in this missive is that since the child was told to keep his hands to himself, there should be no doubt that the child’s priority in life is to meet this demand to keep his hands to himself.
If you think about it, that reasoning is very strange. None of us gives such high priority to anything anyone else tells us to do. We may do what is asked of us if it fits into our needs or interests. That is, we will consider it along with other options, and possibly comply if it benefits us.
Children are no different. They are self-serving little beings who are more concerned with meeting their own needs than meeting adult demands. Children are just like the rest of us. They want to get as much payoff for as little work as they can. That is not pathological, but the nature of energy efficient humans. They will comply with adult demands to the extent that it serves them, or not. Why would one expect it to be any different?
Thus, when a child does not comply, you really do not know that in the child’s heart of hearts, he even has an interest in meeting adult demands, much less whether he has an interest but simply cannot perform. All you really know is that “he is not…”
However, the typical flawed implicit logic implies, to use the above example, that if a child is not keeping his hands to himself, then he has some lack of perception of personal space. In the above situation, the teacher believes the child has a deficit in perception rather than that he just may not want to keep his hands to himself.
Likewise, parents tell me: “I have explained to him that he is not going to pass the test if he does not study. No matter what I say, he does not understand how important this is. He still does not want to do his homework and is failing three classes. He just can’t seem to get it.”
The logic is that the child is very motivated to understand, but “doesn’t get” that studying and homework is important to passing tests and courses. It is also assumed that if the child did understood that concept, he would translate that understanding directly into doing homework. Such faulty logic would deduce that his “inability to understand” is the core of the problem of getting homework done.
I know this all sounds absurd when I break the implied logic apart like this. However, this is an accurate account of the extremely common “he can’t…” logic.
Neither am I trying to say that teachers and parents are stupid. Either of them, thinking carefully about what I have just outlined above, would deny that they really believe that this implicit logic proves the child really “can’t…” The key operative phrase is “thinking carefully.”
There is a vast difference in what we habitually say, think and do, as opposed to what we “think carefully” about. The habitual component is much stronger because it controls far more of our words and actions than does purposeful thought.
We are very inclined to hear and act on our own words as if they are the truth, whether when thoughtfully contemplating, we really believe what we have said. If words did not have this power, why else would we say the pledge of allegiance, take oaths, sing hymns, or tell how big the fish was that got away. As we say them, our words become reality for us .
As teachers and parents say “he/she can’t…” about children, those words also become real for how children are viewed and responded to. Seldom is sufficient effort put into discriminating whether a child actually can do something, but is not doing it, or it is truly beyond their ability. Most treatment usually proceeds based on “He can’t,” whether it is true or not.
Can’t vs. Isn’t
How you think and talk about a problem dramatically effects how you see the potential solutions. If you describe your child’s problems in “can’t” terms, you make yourself helpless to do anything about it because it is, by definition, beyond his abilities. His lack of performance then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Once you take the narrow perspective that your child “can’t,” then you are blind to all the more likely reasons he “isn’t.” These reasons may be fear, anxiety, depression, hidden incentives for not performing, lack of incentives for performance, or attentional avoidance. In my experience, all of these are more likely reasons for “he isn’t,” than “he can’t.” And, all of these reasons for “isn’t” are much easier to fix than “can’t.”
The fallacy of assuming he can’t
Let’s look at the outcome of making two assumptions about a child’s ability to perform.
First, let’s say that for some underlying reason he simply does not have the intelligence or neurological capabilities to perform. If this were so, children would perform all similar tasks poorly. For example, they would be unable to perform computer games, not just homework. They would be unable to “keep their hands to themselves” even if given a huge reward for doing so, etc.
Continuing on this assumption, if you successfully make the case for a neurological problem, you have also made yourself helpless to help your child since there is not much you can do about a neurological problem. It does not help you in your real reason for pursuing the whole enterprise of diagnosis, which is helping your child have a better life. It would seem far more prudent that, rather than this being the default assumption, it should be the last alternative after far easier methods to change behavior have been tried correctly and diligently.
Second, the alternate possibility is that he does have the underlying ability, that is, “he can…” but “he isn’t…” Something is preventing him from demonstrating his ability. Just because he does not perform does not mean he does not have the ability to do so.
The vast majority of the children I see in my practice have the underlying abilities, but performance is inhibited either by emotional blocks in the case of schoolwork or social skills, or lack of motivation in the case of behavior problems.
Children can and do…
If you watch children carefully, they regularly do what others say they cannot do. For example, a child who does not attend to math assignments for more than a few moments can attend to computer games for hours and on more than one occasion. In fact, they attend eagerly every time they are allowed to play such games. Yet the same child is described as “unable to attend to tasks.” While adults dealing with him are so mesmerized by “he can’t…” they are blind to these demonstrations of “can…”
The difference in these situations is that the emotions that are elicited by the math are aversive and make the child phobic of any math related tasks. However, once the emotional blocks to learning are removed, children are able to demonstrate skills parents did not think they possessed. They go from “can’t…” to “can…” in far shorter time than one could expect if all the skills had to be taught. I would like to quote some direct feedback from several clients to show that it really is the case.
Stephen got all A’s in his courses yesterday AND no marks off for behavior AND perfect attendance. WooHOO! …Stephen has never had such a flawless report card… Sometimes I can’t believe how far he has come.—Stephen’s mom
One mom wrote this quote from her son:
Well, just that Dr. Weathers changed my whole life. I asked him what he meant, and he said, Well, I went into that pod thing all miserable and my head was confused, and then he talked, and I talked, and I listened to the music, and it was so dark I couldn’t see my arm—just the blinky lights, then I came out all happy. So, you see, he changed my life: My brain isn’t confused anymore.
This is the first time he has not had any C’s on his report card. Last semester he had a C in math and now it is his highest grade (so close to an A). I am very happy that we chose to come up there and see you. He is doing so much better in everything.
I thought I’d share Collins’s report card with you. He got 5 A’s, a B. This is the BEST report card he’s ever brought home and we were absolutely delighted!
One month ago today we were finishing CAER treatment with you. I am pleased and amazed to report that Nathan tonight finished his homework in record time.
—Nathan’s mom
Serena’s first violin lesson after treatment was amazing! Instead of arguing and whining, she actually said, “Okay, I got it” and proceeded to give it a shot! FIRST EVER. LINDA (violin teacher) ALMOST FELL OVER.:) She learned her new song in two lessons. Now here is the big one. Serena will be starting… school on Monday.… Serena sat in the (new) class for 15 minutes yesterday while they were doing a math test. I said, “what do you think.” She said, “It is easy.” I have been working with her for two years to try to just add and subtract. Serena seems to be very happy to go.
My commentary: I did not teach the children above any math, reading, or violin, nor did I review their “choices” with them. I don’t even encourage doing better or trying harder at anything. Children are not stupid. They know all about that stuff without hearing it again from me. The bottom line is, removing the inhibitory anxiety allows the competent behavior or skills emerge.
Once children feel competent, the sense of achievement and success naturally drives learning forward. Learning becomes much easier and fun.
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Article is in the following categories:
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