(Read #24-4 as introduction first) Once an ADHD child is aroused by feelings of anxiety and anger, his ability to learn attentional avoidance increases while his ability to learn math, spelling and the like declines. This happens in a two-stage process.

First, the child experiences both the discomfort of the emotion as well as its negative effects on his performance. And he is overwhelmed by this experience.

Second, he learns to escape this noxious experience through attentional avoidance. Although avoidance feels better in the short run, performance at home and school soon deteriorates.

In reality, when you see a kid staring at a book, all you really know is that “he is not reading.” There can be many reasons why “he is not…,” only one of which is “He can’t…” Further, “can’t” does not necessarily mean that he has some underlying neurological or intellectual defect, as is usually implied by “he can’t…”

There is a huge flaw in the “can’t” logic that we need to dissect to understand what is really going on.

So, how do so many parents get sucked into Homework Help Hell? The short answer is that children can tap powerful neurological mechanisms to control how parents feel, good or bad. Now to the long answer.

The lightning speed of the ADHD child’s emotional responses to instructions often preempts listening to  what a parent or teacher says. The parent says, “Clean up your room.” But before the parent finishes saying the word “clean,” the child is furious and their listening shut down.

That’s because this interaction has a history. The child has a conditioned emotional response to the parent’s voice, tone and words. That response is to his feelings of anger, rather than his parent’s instruction to clean up his room. Indeed, the response is so strong that the full request is barely, if at all, heard. The child then acts on his feelings of anger, rather than the merits of the parental request.

In order to break the destructive cycle of Homework Help Hell(link to 82-10), one has to focus on the emotional dynamics that drive homework difficulties between parents and children rather than on the intellectual content of the homework itself. When this happens there are often dramatic improvements in the apparent academic skills and performance.

A conditioned feedback loop between parents and kids causes spiraling emotional intensity. The child becomes upset with homework. This triggers reciprocal emotional intensity in the parent, which in turn triggers more negative feelings in the child. Night after night, the same pattern is repeated and thus the triggers become stronger and stronger. In spite of best efforts, the intense emotions use up all of the child's attentional resources so nothing is left to do the academic work. Often little homework is completed and parents feel helpless, angry and frustrated. It is HHH.

The first step in the process of doing homework, that often leads to Homework Help Hell, is parents trying to find out what the assignment is. To be helpful, a parent has to find out if the child got his work done in class, if incomplete work was sent home and if there is any homework to be done. The battle begins when the child blows through the front door, or climbs into the car.

Homework sessions can take the form of one or both parents sitting down with the child to do their joint homework. Parents may use arguments, reasoning, logic, reminding, threatening, or pleading to push the child through each step. The harder the parent works to help, often the less the child accomplishes.

As she reached for the receiver, the only thing she really did not know was whether it was the principal or the teacher once again calling to rant about the carnage that Matt had just unleashed. This time it was Matt's teacher boiling with anger about how he had just called his teacher an "f--king idiot" and refused to sit down or do any work. Being well conditioned by this pattern, Sherry already had her car keys in her hand and was walking with the phone toward her car to go pick Matt up.

Being a parent requires that you exercise your adult judgment by asserting control over your child. This is unavoidable. The only question is how you will do this and with what success.

Children hear stories from their families about who they are. These stories may be positive or negative. Children diagnosed with ADHD, LD or HFA(high functioning Asperger's) hear many stories that reinforce these labels. These stories may be about his problems, diagnosis, disabilities, conflicts, and failures. They also might be telling jokes about his clumsiness, criticizing him for not getting his homework done, or on the positive side, applauding his getting a good grade on a test, or praising his athletic ability.