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Parents of ADHD children learn to dread the call from the teacher |
adhd - Family dynamics are part of ADHD
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| Emotions disrupt effective communication |
As she reached for the receiver, the only thing she really did not know was whether it was the principal or the teacher once again calling to rant about the carnage that Matt had just unleashed. This time it was Matt's teacher boiling with anger about how he had just called his teacher an "f--king idiot" and refused to sit down or do any work. Being well conditioned by this pattern, Sherry already had her car keys in her hand and was walking with the phone toward her car to go pick Matt up.
On this warm sunny day, Sherry should not have been feeling such anxiety and dread. She could not help it because the phone in her kitchen dominated her consciousness. She knew there would soon be another one of those calls she had to answer but dreaded every moment of. It was always bad and getting worse with each call. She did not know how much longer any of them could stand it.
When the phone rang, Sherry's stomach knotted up. She knew it would be them, for it always was at about this time. By now, this was a well-rehearsed chain of habits connecting her, the teacher and Matt. Without much thought, each person's action triggered bad feelings in the other, which in turn, triggered the next step in the chain. In a momentary sense, each step worked for each of them because it temporarily terminated their emotional discomfort.
Matt hated math, and just the sight of a math paper enraged him. By acting out in class, he pressed his teacher's emotional buttons, which set off a chain of habitual teacher behavior of getting angry and calling his mother to come get him. Of course, this terminated the teacher's discomfort and Matt got away from math, which was a big payoff for him. Though it was not intended as such, the adult emotional intensity also reinforced Matt's acting out. The point is, in spite of adult intention to the contrary, such sequences strongly reinforce the very behaviors parents and teachers are trying to resolve.
In their more thoughtful moments, everyone in the chain knows that they are in a counterproductive downward spiral. However, the emotional intensity of the situation makes it very difficult to develop a new understanding and more effective strategies.
Such is Teacher Telephone Terror (TTT).
Many parents' frst hand experience of their child's ADHD is not his attentional problems themselves, but TTT.
When the phone rang, Sherry's stomach knotted up. She knew it would be them, for it always was at about this time. By now, this was a well-rehearsed chain of habits connecting her, the teacher and Matt. Without much thought, each person's action triggered bad feelings in the other, which in turn, triggered the next step in the chain. In a momentary sense, each step worked for each of them because it temporarily terminated their emotional discomfort.
Matt hated math, and just the sight of a math paper enraged him. By acting out in class, he pressed his teacher's emotional buttons, which set off a chain of habitual teacher behavior of getting angry and calling his mother to come get him. Of course, this terminated the teacher's discomfort and Matt got away from math, which was a big payoff for him. Though it was not intended as such, the adult emotional intensity also reinforced Matt's acting out. The point is, in spite of adult intention to the contrary, such sequences strongly reinforce the very behaviors parents and teachers are trying to resolve.
In their more thoughtful moments, everyone in the chain knows that they are in a counterproductive downward spiral. However, the emotional intensity of the situation makes it very difficult to develop a new understanding and more effective strategies.
Such is Teacher Telephone Terror (TTT).
Many parents' frst hand experience of their child's ADHD is not his attentional problems themselves, but TTT.
Emotions disrupt effective communication
During school hours, many parents of children with behavior problems, like the one above, wait anxiously for yet another call from the teacher complaining about yet another disruptive or academically unproductive episode at school.
Because of this anticipatory emotional arousal, the discussion with the teacher is likely to be intense and emotional for both. Since neither teachers nor parents like these conversations, they tend to be avoided when behavior problems are still small and easily dealt with. Parents may not hear about the chain of smaller infractions that lead up to the catastrophic event that precipitates phone calls. In the worst-case scenario, parents do not hear about problems until severe disciplinary action is pending, such as expulsion. Many weeks or months may have passed since the acting out began, which is far too late for any punishment, including expulsion, to be effective.
TTT makes dealing with children's problems much more difficult than if they were addressed early in the chain.
Because of this anticipatory emotional arousal, the discussion with the teacher is likely to be intense and emotional for both. Since neither teachers nor parents like these conversations, they tend to be avoided when behavior problems are still small and easily dealt with. Parents may not hear about the chain of smaller infractions that lead up to the catastrophic event that precipitates phone calls. In the worst-case scenario, parents do not hear about problems until severe disciplinary action is pending, such as expulsion. Many weeks or months may have passed since the acting out began, which is far too late for any punishment, including expulsion, to be effective.
TTT makes dealing with children's problems much more difficult than if they were addressed early in the chain.
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